Do you know the feeling of goosebumps on your arm the moment a loving memory comes to mind or an old favorite song plays on the radio? The body knows. The feelings are not just emotional. They are manifested physically as well.
Now. Have you felt suddenly nauseous? Your head spinning. A sudden migraine? A sudden feeling of Fight or Flight? But why? nah…. i must have it wrong?? After all i feel these emotions when my boyfriend calls, texts or meets me. This must be the rush that all poets write of and the singers sing about… Maybe my head is not spinning but I’m giddy with happiness… i don’t know any better after all I’m only 18. And he is the first boy i kissed and the first man who made love to me.
My best friend was the one who pointed out the obvious. You are scared of him. Scared? Me? Why would i? Sure i don’t tell him i smoke- he would not like it; I don’t talk to any boy- my boyfriend gets mad…and then he screams at me; i don’t go out with my set of friends, only him- or else would get mad…
This was a cycle. A pattern far too well known to me now. But in my teens all this felt like love, as concern. After all wasn’t a jealousy a sign of love? We would fight and i would cry. Begging him to forgive me. Sometime i did not know for what… sometimes because i pissed him off so much that he yelled the choicest of obscenities at me. It was after my begging and groveling at his feet to not leave me would he reward me with a present.
Soon enough in a matter of years i was a bundle of nerves. I would have migraines that would last a week. I could no longer digest food. I would throw up every time i ate. I would cry unconsolably at the slightest of an argument. I no longer wanted to hear what my family and friends would say. You see my family did not even know… at that time and in a patriarchal system, a boyfriend was a taboo. I could not talk to my family, i did not agree to what my best friends said. This man had looked my in my eyes, held my hand to his heart and swore that he loved me.
And then one winters day he told me he got married.