The pain of choosing my battles.

The past few months a lot happened. Most importantly i did not give up. Many times i wanted to end my life… it all did not matter any more. I would think about my child, my parents and my friends… but sometimes i did not care enough. No. That would be wrong to say. I did care and thats why i did not go through with it. I have too much pain.

16yrs of being in an abusive relationship with a narc… someone whom i loved deeply, someone who ripped me off of all my self worth and confidence. Someone whom i loved but then got raped by… someone whom i had a child with but he never wanted to be a parent..until now.

Now. When I’m gathering myself together, trying to stand up on my own feet. Now he wants to be a father. And my child id thrilled. He is only 5yrs old and loves his fathers attention. But the Narc is not interested in parenting. He wants to take the child away from me.

I don’t know what to do. I do not communicate with him in any manner even though we stay in the same house. He takes the child away for the whole day without telling me, disrupts his eating and sleeping pattern. The child is shown that there are no rules, no right or wrongs when with the father but i, the mother always forces him to eat the veggies, sleep on time, study and no tv post afternoon… how does basic parenting become so difficult? How can he not see whats wrong or right for the child? And obviously for the kid I’m  the villain now. He wants to be with his father all the time and i need  to then lure him to spend little time with me.

And this hurts. This hurts most of all. Iv dealt with the abandonment, the hurt and the pain. But this hurts the most.